January 15, 2008

Loaded Question

Matt has asked me to post on how I am doing. The quick and easy answers are 'fine' and 'better'. I will try explain a little more for you. I will start at the beginning. The first few days I felt as though I had just had major abdominal surgery and my family was coming to visit me. It was hard to imagine that I had a baby because I only got a glimpse of her. The first time I was able to go see and hold her for a moment it was as if I did not recognize her. I am thankful that within a few days from those moments Whitney and I have had many opportunities to bond and there is no doubt in my mind which baby in the NICU is mine. It has been difficult to have the nurses tell me what Whitney likes or how she cries before a feeding. I am looking forward to taking her home and knowing these things for myself. It is just not natural. I find myself having unjust anger/jealousy towards her nurses for knowing her better than I do (I am working on this). I have to say that my calling as a mother has been solidified by these many hours of not being able to be a mother to my girls. I hope I am able to remember this in the future when I am ready to pull my hair out of frustration.

Currently, Whitney and I spend every afternoon together during Fiona's nap. If you have been wanting to visit us for a few minutes this would be a good time. I may be nursing so you may need to wait a little bit but they will let you know at the NICU front desk.


ljbrouwer said...

Susan, You are an amazing mother! Thanks for sharing your frustrations/pain. I am glad that you have bonded with Whitney (and she KNOWS who her mommy is!). Praying for a quick recovery for you.

Anonymous said...

Look at her cute little foot!! Its perfect! Beverly

Anonymous said...

Thanks for bearing your heart so honestly! When Jeremiah was born, he spent a short time in NICU. On my way from the recovery room to my regular room, we visited him. It was hard to leave him there and see him in a little oxygen tent. I can relate to your feelings, though only in part and I have to tell you that your response is a natural reponse given the situation. I would respond the same, I think. I am praying that God will continue to give you grace and growth in this area and prepare you for what lies ahead.
I want to come a visit you and Whitney, but I won't be able to do it this week. I am at the tail end (I hope) of a cold and have no desire to share that with NICU. Call me sometime, if you need an ear and/or a prayer. I am not real sure of your schedule and I don't want to steal your time from Matt and the girls, so let me know if there is a good time to call you.
Lots of love to all of you,
on behalf of the Klompiens

Anonymous said...

Susan, What a tough time this has to be. I remember well the times I had to leave my babies in NICU, Josh for 5 weeks and Anika for 5 days. Soooooo frustrating. I always wanted things to be my way which was not always possible when the nurses had many babies to care for. Obviously, I felt mine was the most important :-) It will be so wonderful when you can take Whitney home and have her all to yourself!! As you go through some of the difficult times, wondering if she needs to see a doctor, you will be thankful for what she has when she is in the NICU. She has all the doctors and nurses at her disposal for anything that might come up. No waiting rooms or emergency rooms. (We have seen them countless times over the last 18 years!) I am fighting a nasty cold and don't want to come and spread that. I would love to talk to you though if you want someone to share with, grumble with, cry or laugh with. I am almost always available. You may call me any time.
Love and lots of prayers,

Anonymous said...

Dear Matt and Susan and girls:)

I cannot imagine how frustrating that must be for you! I am a little worried about NICU for the twins and what it will be like. I KNOW I would feel frustrated and angry for sure! I hope and pray this time passes quickly for you guys and that the Lord will grant you much peace! You're in our thoughts and prayers!
Love in Christ,
Laura Wiese

Steve & Cari said...

I continue to admire you as my sister in Christ.

Anonymous said...

Susan, Whitney is beautiful! This blog is wonderful to see how you are doing and how to pray for your family. Our family is remembering you in our prayers along with many others, God is your strength, and that is evident! Whitney is blessed to have such a great mother, who loves her and loves HIM! Hoping to hear good results from her surgery today. Love you, Michelle Fisher